[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Saturday, June 11th, 2005|
|Back on the horse
Ok, so its been a few days since I last wrote. My birthday was on the 8th last wednesday and I was kinda sad that few people remembered especially since I told several people. Matt was kind enough to take me out that night...nothing super duper exciting though. But I guess that end of my finals was a good enough gift...that I earned so I am happy...but now I am bored...for the first time in 9 months. Imagine that. Nothing to do. I feel like I need to do something. I really want to hand out with more friends but I can never seem to get a hold of anyone. Well, I did get another part time job working for the YMCA with kids again. Ill be working at SSCC from 10am to 2pm and then at the YMCA from 2:30 to 6pm. I hope to get a few extra dollars before I leave in July. Oh yeah...Im going to Europe again this summer. Ben and I are going to Germany and France and we're gonna get into all sorts of trouble. Anyway...I really want to hang out with some of you guys before I go...Sarah, Cassie, Matt, Megan, Valor, Anna...and the rest I dont remember your names...sorry. Anyway I gotta run but I will hopefully see you all very soon.
|Thursday, May 26th, 2005|
|Old Abe Lincoln...my new best friend
There has always been myths about Abraham Lincoln...Was he as good as people say he was? The answer to that quite simply is yes. The letter to the little girl about the beard was proof of his humility. He was not above talking to people of lower stature, even children. His humility and wisdom is makes it completely evident that he was a righteous man and he was the one God chose to keep the country together under the worst possible circumstances. I can't imagine anyone better fit to run a country under crisis...and this is why.
October 19, 1860
Miss. Grace Bedell
My dear little Miss.
Your very agreeable letter of the 15th. is received.
I regret the necessity of saying I have no daughters. I have three sons -- one seventeen, one nine, and one seven, years of age. They, with their mother, constitute my whole family.
As to the whiskers, having never worn any, do you not think people would call it a piece of silly affection if I were to begin it now? Your very sincere well-wisher
Grace Bedell's Letter to Lincoln
Westfield Chatauque Co
Oct 15. 1860
Hon A B Lincoln
My father has just home from the fair and brought home your picture and Mr. Hamlin's. I am a little girl only eleven years old, but want you should be President of the United States very much so I hope you wont think me very bold to write to such a great man as you are. Have you any little girls about as large as I am if so give them my love and tell her to write to me if you cannot answer this letter. I have got 4 brother's and part of them will vote for you any way and if you will let your whiskers grow I will try and get the rest of them to vote for you you would look a great deal better for your face is so thin. All the ladies like whiskers and they would tease their husband's to vote for you and then you would be President. My father is a going to vote for you and if I was a man I would vote for you to but I will try and get every one to vote for you that I can I think that rail fence around your picture makes it look very pretty I have got a little baby sister she is nine weeks old and is just as cunning as can be. When you direct your letter dir[e]ct to Grace Bedell Westfield Chatauque County New York
I must not write any more answer this letter right off
|General Santa Ana is not dead
The Santa Ana Wind...My brother in law told me that he used to live in L.A. a long time ago. The hot desert winds sweep through the mountains and into the city. If you ever wanna feel what its like to be a chicken in an oven, thats the closest you'll get. "Gets so hot you wanna kill a man!" Ive never heard that until recently. Why do people say that? It kinda sounds funny but perhaps there is some truth behind it. I heard that heat can make people go crazy things...like take cold showers...drink out of a hose...shave your chest...ok maybe not the last one. Anyway, I just thought it was kinda funny.
|I pull underwear, therefore I am.
A thought I had last night was worth noting. While I was laying in bed I had this picture in my head of a guy getting an atomic wedgie. That whole concept is just odd. Who decided, "Hey I have an idea, lets pull this guy's underwear out really far."? IM sure it didn't start until the 20th century, but whatif it had been going on for ages? What if it was invented during the stone age? Maybe it was forgotten for centuries like gunpowder because some caveman decided to give a bear a wedgie. What if King David did it to Goliath? What if WWII was started because Chamberlain gave Hitler a wedgie? History would be massivly different and perhaps funnier. However I dont think I would like to die in combat for the sake of a wedgie. A swirlie maybe but not a wedgie.! I have an oral exam in class today for Russian. I did horribly last time but my teacher was kind enough to let me redo it so Im combining last weeks and this weeks. I have no idea how its gonna be but In two hours it wont matter because it will be done. And then I can think about more important things.
Im gonna get more meds today....Finally!
|Tuesday, May 24th, 2005|
|Ending the day with a vacation
Final thoughts for the day: Emotionally exhausted and broken. Oh Lord, in you I find peace which I am so in need of. Lord, I know that tomorrow will be a better day because your mercies are new each day. My life is not out of control...but my conscience and my soul feel so heavy. All this is coming while Im not on my meds. So I wonder if those actually work. I cant really name anything inparticular that I am really struggling with but I just feel so defeated and empty. Atleast I know where to turn, and at the most He will not let me continue like this forever. All I really want is a return to normality. Its been a long time since I was really excited about anything or smiled and laughed in earnest. I need someone that will understand me and take a genuine interest in me and my life, to listen because it doesn't seem that many really listen to me anyway, except a select few but that only happens far and few between. I really hate to say it but I don't have a lot of close friends and I really need that. Oh Lord I need a vacation. Current Mood: defeated
I suddenly recalled a dream I had not long ago I wanted ot write it down so I can remember it better. Most of this dream is masked in darkness so I can t recall everything. I was climbing up a long staircase very similar to the one on front of my sisters house. It was alittle more urban though. There was a big building at the top with a porch covered by a roof that jutted out from the house. The sun had already gone down and the street lights were on, casting their yellow glow onto the dark streets underneath. The porch light was on at the top of the stairs. As I came to the top I could hear voices coming from inside the building. There must have been a party or something. A woman was standing at the top of the stairs with a baby in her arms and toddler walking in circles around her. The toddler walked to the edge of the long staircase and I turned just in time to see the child teeter on the edge and fall. A gut wrenching feeling came over me as I rushed down the stairs to catch the child before it was seriously injured. I didn't make it. I came to the bottom of the stairs and it was too late. the child had broken its neck and died. Tears streaming down my face I gently picked the child up and carried him back to his mother, blaming myself for the accident. Why wasn't I faster? I knew he was there why didn't take more caution of him on the stairs? I couldn't even look her in the face. She wept and I just fell to my knees in shock and disgust at myself. How could I have let this happen. Even now, just thinking about it almost brings tears to my eyes. Current Mood: guilty
|The day after
I didn't go to school today. I know Im a bad kid. My head was still swimming when I woke up this morning. Who knows whether or not I would have made to school. I decided to sleep longer...Lord knows I needed it. I had such a hard time sleeping last night. My head was throbbing like it was swollen or something. I couldn't turn on my side because it hurt my head too much so I just laid there and stared up t the ceiling for about an hour before I was finally fell asleep. Not long after that my kitty woke me up around 2:30, knocking things off my desk and running down the hallway with my pens. She obviously wanted out. She knows that all she ahs to do to get one of us up is to cause a rucus. I have an oral exam in Russian on Thursday. My last one was really bad. I didn't prepare for it...thankfully she let me take it over so I am combining the last one and this one which will make it a bit longer but thats ok. At this point I know I will pass but I just want a decent grade. I need to work on that a bit before I got to work. Current Mood: mellow
|Monday, May 23rd, 2005|
|My good friend
Not quite sure how to discern what is worth saying and whats not. I dont expect anyone to read this so I will write as if no one is reading.
Today was a good day, as most are. Nothing really different happened, but nothing bad happened. My head is spinning in circles because Im coming down off my meds. I should have gone in last week to get some more. My only excuse is that I was too busy but its not true. If it was that important then I would have found time. Perhaps I dont feel that my depression is that bad. Is it depression? I know that sometimes I am hard on myself and I dont often meet my expectations. I have many desires that go unfulfilled. Is that cause to be sad? I know I have many good things to look forward to. I have already completed my first year at the university and I have done really well, even in spite of my loss. I suppose I should be proud of myself and yet I dont often comend myself for the hard work. Sometimes I feel that my work isn't as hard as Sarah's. She works so hard and doesn't complain. I try not to complain. I don't feel I work as hard as she does. I wonder what is different and if its possible to approach my work as she does. Either way she is a tremendous encouragement. But I fear sometimes that she may see me as some sort of a student while she is the teacher. Students are never respected as equals. More than likely that is just an irrational fear because I know that she is no better than I, and Im no better than she. I guess Im just in awe of her as I am when I think of Christ. When I see her I see a self-sacrificing woman who is far more intelligent than me (atleast it feels that way sometimes), who's love for the Lord has reached a deeper level of reason and logic that I have yet to uncover. My words come out wrong sometimes when I am around her because I respect her so much that I can hardly think straight to get out a convincing argument. I think it is safe to say that she is by far the most honorable woman I have ever encountered. The woman of noble character in Proverbs was written about her. As my friend I really want to do my very best to honor her and keep her best interests in mind, whatever that may be. I enjoy her insight and her smile. Thank you Sarah.
Right now I am reading "The problem of Pain" by CS Lewis. Using logic to defend and define Christianity is an interest of mine. According to him, religion originates from three things, and Christians have a 4th. First, the Numinous, which is the thing that causes fear *not a physical fear, but dread, as you might feel with a ghost in the next room* and wonder. Most often is can be characterized as a mighty spirit that would make you feel small and insignificant. The second is morals, which most are born with some sense of right and wrong. 3rd is the idea that the Numinous is responsible for those morals and condemns our failure to see them out. But the fourth one which no other has, is the man who claimed he was the Numinous and did not condemn our failure to keep our morals but saved us from our failure. This can be described as "awe."
I am going to read that part over again because I know I butchered it. there was just too much to glean from that little bit. Anyway, here is where I end because my brain is about to leak out of my ear and my bed is calling for me. Current Mood: drained